KOLINJE-SVINJOKOLJA
Snoć gledam na televiziji kako sad trebamo klat prasce. Velidu
iz Ministarstva da ih nesmi bolit. Prasetu mora bit lipo kad ga
sastaviš sikirom u čelanku i zakolješ. On se temu treba veselit.
Treba ih po novemu najprije omamit. Daš prasetu apaurin, pa
još mali konjačak i kolji kulko ćeš. Briga praseta. Više ne beči.
Sav sretan kaj se više ne mora zajebavat u praščaku. Ako mu
daš ki konjačak više, još ti i piva po naruđbi. Ma milina. A ne
ko prvlje kad su se nikako predkraj 11-eg miseca, od vavik
klali prasci. Ništo oko Dana Republike. Ku niki još slavidu.
Najprije su bile parade, svečane akademije, pioniri i crvene
marame, recitacije, borbene pisme a kad je narod vidil da je
sve tobedastoća, lipo je taj datum iskoristil za svinjokolju. Još
ako bi bilo smrzlo, da nisi gacal u dvoru po blatu, pa zapal
malo snižić, eto ti uživanja.
Moj deda bi u 10-em misecu zel dva maća praščića. Onaj ki je
bil deblji, tega bi ostavil za godišnjaka a oneg manjeg, kaj baš
ni bil jilac i slabo je naredoval, pekli smo za Božić. Onaj
„godišnjak“ bogme znal je natirat do 200 kil. Ja baš nis volil
kad se klalo. Volil sam jist, al nis volil delat oko tega. A klalo
se svud po selu. Prasci su bečali na sve strane. Niki su znali
odsić presetu uvo, prase beči ko benasto. Nakon pol ure,
odrežu mu drugo uvo. Prase beči još jače a susedi ljubomorni
velidu:
„Lej, ovi već drugega koljedu“.
Mene je najviše jadilo kad bi deda rekal:
„Nudar mali, pridrž ga za zadnje noge“. Jeba ga držanje. Ja
30-40 kil, prase 200. Kad se ritne, ode ja na vrh đubra.
Najviše sam volil kad su se delale kobacice. Za probu se speci
na brzinu ka pljeskavica, ja pojim tri komada. Deda je znal
reć:
„Kamo ovem malem sve to tulko stane. Siguro ima trakavicu.“
Nis volil ni kad se topila mast. Damfa na sve strane, nemoreš dijat. Prasci su onda bili masniji nego ovi sada, pa se je znalo izvuć 30-40 kil masti. A čvarki su bili nikako ko ostatak, kako bi rekal - ko škart. Snoć gledam u Plodina, kila čvarki, nikakvi jadni, ko zrno fažola, 119 kun. Jeba te, čvarki 119 kun. Pa ki je tuj lud. Carsko meso 20 kun, lungić 50 a čvarki 119. Meni tuj ništo ne štima. A jebi ga, kaj u ovoj državi štima. Valjda Vidošević. Evo niki dan Nanoć Vidošević poslal mi zahtjev za prijateljstvo na tem fejsbuku. A mislim si:
„Kaj ću s njim. Naš čovik, pa prihvatim“. I vidim, već mi fali par slik. E Nešo, beno jedna, drž se ti prasci.
Ma puno bi tuj bilo još za povidat i o krvavica, i o mesnatica, i o masti kaj se mazala na kruv pa posolila i još zericu crvene paprike, al nimam više cajta. Al moram reč ništo, kaj mi ni danas nikako ni jasno. Kad je sve bilo gotovo, i kad su se kobasice pa kašnje i meso iz paca obisili na tavanu da se sušidu, / tada još ni bilo pušnic /, naložil bi se oganj a šurla iz peći išla ravno na tavan. A tavan suh ko barut i od dima crn ko „Dark side of the moon“. Furnja oganj iz peći, po daska na tavanu skačedu iskre velike ko palac i ……. lejte to. To mi ni danas ni jasno. Kako se nikad niš ni zapalilo. Valjda nas je Bog čuval. Dok nas ni bolje upoznal.
Ovih par redaka o kolinju samo je uvod za nastavak priče, koja me i kada je čitam po stoti puta, uvijek dobro nasmije. Za one koji su to propustili, evo kolinja na iznimno duhovit način. Malo je duže pa ako nemate živaca, čitajte u nastavcima. Ko „Zoru Dubrovačku“. Meni je genijalno. Stvarno. Evo:
KOLINJE-SVINJOKOLJA
5.00
1. ustajanje u 5 u jutro na dan svinjokolje ili kolinja
2. rakijica (0,3)
3. obuci maskirnu uniformu
5.45
4. naloži vatru ispod kotla, a u kotao uspi odgovarajuću količinu vode
5. provjeri da li je svinja još uvijek živa i je li u svinjcu
6. rakijica (0.3)
7. probudi ženu i djecu
8. dok žena kuha kavu, probudi petnaestak susjeda i pozovi ih
6.30
9. zajednička kava i rakijica (0.5)
10. još jedna rakijica (0.5)
7.00
11. sa čoporom susjeda odšeći do svinjca
12. probudi svinju ( ženu si već probudio, ovdje mislim na pravu svinju)
13. susjed drži svinju za rep, a ti joj stavi šlingu na gubicu
14. izvuci svinju iz svinjca na dvorište
15. sada je vrijeme da jednog susjeda svinja opali po nozi, a tebe ugrize
16. pusti svinju
17. psuj
18. još psuj, naročito ženu koje nema
19. rakijica (0.5)
20. rakijica (0.5)
21. opet malo psuj
22. pljuni
23. rakijica (0.5)
24. sada polij malo rakije po rani
7.45
25. opet uhvati svinju i pri tome joj psuj mater i onoga tko ju je stvorio takvu
26. opet malo psuj ženu
27. izvuci svinju opet iz svinjca
28. stavi joj pištolj na glavu i okini
29. metak je vlažan i svinju si samo malo raskrvario po glavi pa uzmi drugi metak
30. psuj ženu koja je metke držala na vlažnom mjestu
31. rakijica (iz flaše)
32. pljuni
33. opet okini
34. dok svinja pada i mlati nogama uhvati nož i prikolji svinju
35. dok je kolješ režeš i svoj prst
36. Ne znaš da li više krvari svinja ili ti
37. psuj svinju i ženu koje opet nema
38. baci nož u grmlje iza svinjca
39. još psuj ženu i njenu mamu
40. rakijica (iz flaše)
41. iz flaše polij rakijom ranu na ruci
42. još malo psuj ženu, njenu mamu, svinju i današnji dan
9.15
43. iz kotla ulij vruću vodu u korito
44. ubaci svinju
45. pažmaj
46. skini papke
47. prinesi remu koju si pripremio
48. postavi remu
10.00
49. vidiš da fali jedna kuka za vješanje
50. psuj ženu koja je kuku izgubila
51. trči po selu i traži tko ima kuku za posuditi
52. pri tome po cijelome selu psuj ženu, njenu mamu i današnji dan
53. kada nađeš kuku kod dvanaestog susjeda, objesi svinju na remu
11.00
54. izvadi crijeva
55. dok režeš trbuh, porežeš crijeva i njihov sadržaj se razlije po trbuhu
56. psuj ženu, tupe noževe i onoga tko te je rodio
57. rakijica (0.5)
58. operi trbuh vodom
59. pri tome ulij malo vode u čizme
60. psuj ženu koje opet nema
61. rakijica ( 0.5)
62. pljuni
63. izvadi iznutrice
64. operi svinju iznutra
65. raspolovi svinju
66. dok siječeš sjekira ti skrene i odsiječeš po rebrima umjesto po sredini krmenadla
67. psuj ženu, sjekiru i svinju
68. gemišt ( 2 u 8)
69. pljuni
70. gemišt (2 u 8)
71. popravi što se popraviti da
72. rasijeci do kraja
73. odnesi polovice na stol
12.00
74. prvo oguli špek pa rasijeci na komade
12.30
75. uzmi uzorak mesa za pregled na trihinelozu
76. sjedni u auto i odnesi u veterinarsku ambulantu
77. zaboravio si novce pa se moraš vratiti
78. psuj ženu koja ti nije pripremila novčanik
13.30
79. vrati se u ambulantu
80. izvadi jetrica i daj ih ženi da ih ispeče
81. gemišt ( 2 u 8)
82. sin skida kožice sa špeka
83. pokazuješ mu kako to treba zbilja raditi i porežeš prst
84. psuješ nesposobnog sina, njegovu majku, špek, mast i čvarke
85. operi kotao i u njega stavi narezani špek
14.30
86. žena peče mast i čvarke
87. gemišt ( 2 u 8)
88. isfaširaj meso
89. dodaj sol, papriku, malo vina, šećera i papra
90. probaj
91. dodaj još malo soli
92. gemišt ( 2 u 8)
93. probaj
94. dodaj paprike
95. probaj
96. dodaj papra
97. probaj
98. pitaj susjeda
99. dodaj opet malo soli
100.zovi ženu da i ona proba
101.kaži ženi da nema pojma jer joj je smjesa preljuta, preslana i prepaprena
102.pošalji ženu natrag kod kotla za mast
103.gemišt ( 2 u 8)
16.45
104.napuni crijeva
105.budući da crijeva pucaju psuj svinjokolju, ženu koja ih je kupila i mesara koji ih je prodao
106.gemišt ( 2 u 8)
107.skupi kobasice
18.00
108.provjeri mast
109.skini kotao
110. polij malo vruće masti sebi po ruci
111. trči uokolo, guraj ruku u snijeg i psuj ženu koja je svemu kriva
112. psuj mast, čvarke i ženinu majku
113. gemišt (2 u 8)
19.00
114. iscjedi čvarke
115. izlij mast u kante
20.00
116. gemišt ( 2 u 8)
117. pošalji ženu neka sve opere i pospremi
21.00 - 23.00
118. gemišt (2 u 8)
119. gemišt (2 u 8)
120. gemišt (2 u 8)
121. fajerunt
29.11. 2013.
Nebojša Magdić
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to enhance flexibility and stop hip stiffness while also shredding your legs.
The key to using a Smith machine for progress in your leg day exercises is knowing how the work you do on a Smith machine translates into other exercises.
Keep your knees tracking in line with your toes, regardless of which leg
press foot placement you select. Working out the again of your body from head to toe, together with
leg training with exercise machines, may be helpful
in serving to you alleviate the "ouch" issue. Kyle Risley
founded Lift Vault in 2016 to make discovering great powerlifting
applications simpler.
Too a lot can go wrong, and unless you’re an advanced
lifter with years of experience squatting, you may harm yourself.
Working one facet at a time eliminates any muscular imbalances which may happen, as both sides needs to work equally as onerous.
I’m a large fan of this movement and can guarantee you’ll learn to adore it
too. As the exercise trains one facet at a time, you probably can iron out any muscle imbalance that you just might need.
Shrugs are fantastic for developing shoulder stabilization and may help you improve other lifts while decreasing
injury threat. Using the Smith machine, you probably
can overload the barbell, which leads to massive muscle activation in your traps.
Plus, you don’t need to be the particular person hogging the squat rack and never doing squats.
The leg extension machine plate loaded element focuses on the quadriceps, whereas the plate loaded leg curl machine targets the hamstrings.
By combining these two workouts into one machine, customers can efficiently
work on their lower body strength without needing a quantity of pieces of equipment.
One of the first advantages of leg machines is the added
safety they provide.
The leaning position derives most effectiveness from the motion. In a standard
standing lateral raise, the aspect delts are activated only around the midway mark.
Historically, the bro break up was the preferred workout mannequin – simply
prepare every muscle group per day and reap the advantages of the train variations to
optimize hypertrophy [1]. Regularly coaching the legs can supply
large advantages to the whole body and therefore good carry over to daily
activities whether that’s walking or climbing the stairs.
However, in case you are seeking to increase muscular endurance, then it is suggested that you perform
between reps with a lighter weight. The cable system belt
squat, nonetheless, has the burden load positioned directly
in entrance of the user.
Since this exercise machine takes the strain off, you presumably can give attention to getting your kind perfect.
Earlier Than pushing, make sure that your legs are at a 90-degree
angle to stop unwanted strain on surrounding muscular tissues.
The Hack Squat Machine is specially designed for these with
mobility considerations. It includes a strong
body with a sliding backrest, complemented by handles for added assist.
Wanting for the final word cardio machine that will assist you crush
your health goals? It doesn’t matter if you’re right here to burn fat, construct endurance
or tone up. At EōS Health, we know everyone’s fitness journey is exclusive, and so are your goals.
That’s why we’ve got the perfect lineup of cardio machines
that can help you sort out each problem, huge
or small. Hip abduction is the motion of the leg away from the midline of the physique.
This makes the hip abduction machine the one with the pads positioned on the
skin of the thighs.
Machines enable you carry to failure in a secure and controlled method.
The Leg Abduction/Adduction Machine is a specialized
health club apparatus designed to focus on the muscular
tissues of the internal and outer thighs. Customers stand on the platform with their shoulders towards the pads, then push the platform upward
to perform a squatting motion. Using a narrower foot placement will work the outer thigh muscular tissues.
You can regulate the leg press to make it extra accessible as
a beginner and to make use of it to progress.
While the exercise should require effort, it must be carried out with complete management.
Never rush via the exercise or allow your legs to break down at the
finish of the movement.
This squat machine is a unbelievable various to straightforward barbell squats.
It is better for decreasing spine compression and increasing your range of motion. Leg machines that present compound motion are those that may make you the strongest, corresponding to a
leg press or hack squat. The hamstrings are responsible for flexing the knee and
lengthening the hip.
Some machines even enable the consumer to carry out entrance squats,
again squats and even shoulder presses. When utilizing
machine leg workouts, it’s important to maintain proper
type to avoid damage and maximize outcomes. Earlier Than beginning any exercise,
adjust the machine to swimsuit your body and choose
an appropriate weight. Always start with a warm-up set, progressively rising the burden as you feel more comfortable.
The first is manufactured with a pivot system and the
second with a cable system. The pivot system belt
squat keeps the weight load positioned either facet of the user’s hips
making it a true illustration of a conventional squat.
The solely distinction being is that there is no weight load across the higher back,
therefore decreasing spinal load.
Hold your feet firmly planted and your physique regular to take care of
proper type. Many gym goers find focusing on their stomach muscular tissues to
be a bit of a challenge, getting misplaced in a sea of machines and routines.
This exercise strengthens the hip abductor
muscular tissues that help the hip joint. This joint is very prone to
injury, so stronger supporting muscular tissues round your hip can decrease your damage threat.
Lower physique machines frequently have adjustable resistance, permitting the person to add extra
weight as they achieve strength. Progressive overload is an important facet of hypertrophy since it stresses the muscle tissue and promotes growth.
Leg machines enable isolation workout routines that focus on particular leg muscular teams.
This permits you to exert maximum stress on that muscle group, precipitating the muscle development
process. Leg machines include a built-in platform or rack to retain the burden, reducing the possibility that you'll drop the weight and hurt your self or another person.
A leg train machine (also often known as a decrease physique workout machine) is
a chunk of health equipment particularly designed to work the
leg muscles. These machines are available in numerous shapes
and sizes, every concentrating on totally different muscle groups in your lower physique.
Some let you carry out just one exercise, whereas others
provide quite so much of actions and positions to target multiple
muscle tissue. Leg train machines are essential for constructing decrease physique energy
and bettering your general health level. Not Like free-weight workout routines that require good form and balance, decrease body exercise machines provide
more stability and help throughout your workout. This makes them
suitable for all fitness levels, from beginners to superior athletes.
Brad writes for a quantity of publications on the themes of training, diet, supplementation, motivation, and everything cool.
A squat, then again, will create a lot more stability all through the physique that your chin ups, bench presses, and shoulder presses will enhance consequently.
Couple this with a plethora of other free weight lower body moves and you have a highly
efficient battery of weapons at your disposal. Reverse hyperextension is a multipurpose workout that can be used
to strengthen the hamstrings, glutes, and hip flexors. It is a low-impact exercise that's good for individuals with a weak
again.
With no concern of getting crushed underneath a heavy bar and no balance issues, you can push your legs to
their restrict. When you change the best way that your physique is positioned
and the way the cable is angled, you acquire more management over the vary of movement.
You can make it roughly, allowing you to recruit more stabilizing muscle fibers too.
The gluteus maximus arises from a large space on the rear of the
pelvic bone, passes down behind the hip joint, and attaches to the upper
femur. The legs additionally consist of dozens of muscles that flex,
bend, prolong, adduct, abduct, and rotate your legs and allow movement.
Are Smith machine workouts as practical as their freeweight counterparts?
However except you would possibly be an athlete, functionality isn’t really a lot of a concern.
It depends, there’s little question that
free weights have a tendency to construct extra muscle.
Nevertheless, leg machines are a lot more managed, making them
far less prone to trigger damage or strain. Sturdy hamstrings are important in your body’s total stability and stamina.
By strengthening your hamstrings using these leg machines, you can improve your total athletic skills, notably for sprint-based coaching.
Now, let’s get into our selection of one of the best leg machines for your leg exercises.
The Smith machine shrugs work round your neck, shoulders, and upper traps and add definition to your shoulder muscular tissues.
The overhead press activates the front delt,
enhances your pushing power, and helps build broad shoulders.
The Smith machine wrist curl strengthens forearms, will increase wrist mobility, and sculpts the decrease arms.
It additionally enhances performance where lower-body energy
is required, corresponding to in soccer, rugby, sprinting, and jumping.
Look through the sixteen workouts above and add some to your routine.
It may be complicated at first because the Smith machine can look somewhat alien, especially if you’re new or use free weights.
As the Smith machine removes the need for many of your stabilizer
muscle tissue, it may possibly cause sure areas of your
physique to overdevelop or turn into overused.
The ab crunch machine is a a lot bigger, extra intricate machine that uses a system of pulleys
to add resistance to your ab crunches. The ab roller can be one of the
important ab machines for house gyms–the low price,
low space necessities, and suppleness in its use make it the best "no frills" ab machine
on the market. You’ll not solely have more choices, but your coaching efforts will go
farther and end in higher growth because of the added weight/resistance.
However it’s properly definitely worth the effort, not just for the look, but in addition for the core power and resilience in opposition to accidents.
Let us assist you to simplify your health journey with all our rowing advice and suggestions.
Older individuals and folk who merely don't like operating find rowing a fantastic various to the "classic" of operating.
An angled footplate connected to a resistance system aids in the exercise.
I advocate placing your toes in entrance of you before you employ the Smith machine to do the squat.
This helps correctly displace resistance on the hip and knee joints
for better mechanics and muscular engagement.
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